So here's the deal. My life has changed so drastically in the past year that I can barely comprehend how much has actually went down.
It is crazy to think that just a year ago, I was halfway through my second year of post-high school education. I was stressing over finals, making Starbucks runs like it was my job, chewing my nails down to nothing, and crying over algebra. There was also an insane amount of snow on the ground, which made the treck to the library less likely, and days of hot chocolate and Christmas movies so much more appealing.
I can't recall the actual day that it happened, but I remember being on my bed studying for my French final, thinking about school as a whole, and what I wanted to do after graduation. It was then that I realized I was unhappy.
I had really, really awesome friends. And when I say awesome, I mean fucking great. I could not have asked for better people to be surrounded with. I can't count how many times I almost pissed myself laughing, or the gross amounts of junk food I would eat with the greatest people ever. Chocolate and Cheez-Its for dinner? why not. I also had the greatest living situation ever: cheapest rent in the world, a swimming pool for when it becomes bloody hot, like 100 degrees hot and great roommates.
Classes weren't too hard. I was getting decent grades (with the exception of math, because math is the bane of my existence), and the work load wasn't unbareable.
But even with all that, I still felt unhappy. My dad had just moved down to California. That was crushing. I have never cried that much over saying good-bye to my cat ever. Also, my dad and I are insanely close. It was really hard to realize that when I came home for breaks, he wouldn't be there, and I couldn't go to his house anymore.
The easiest way I can describe my feelings at the time would be to just say I felt mediocre. I didn't have to worry about money, I didn't have to worry about school being insanely hard, I had a great place to live, and great friends, but it still wasn't enough for me. I wasn't being challenged. I wasn't in a position to even challenge myself. I have spent my whole life dealing with obstacles (as we all do) in such an intense way, that I felt so bored with my life. I went from one small town, to another, and it just was not big enough. I needed more. I needed to be pushed. I needed to be told I can't. I needed people to say I can do better, or I can try harder. I wasn't getting any of that. From my peers, or my professors. I knew I was capable of so much more, but I just needed a push to make it happen.
So I did. I started looking into going to other schools. Of course, down in California, where the sunshine always beams down with it's sunglasses (why?? why do kids always draw the sun with sun glasses?? it doesn't need them!). I found a few, applied to one, and got in.
Then I realized, financially, it was not the smartest plan. I could not live with my dad, because he lives waaaay too far from school. And this was a private school, so the prices were jacked. So, I started the search for another school back home in Seattle. I applied and got into the program I wanted, as well, and my financial situation was a little better, even though I would have to have a job during school.
I stayed at my school for the spring semester, and the following July, I was enrolled in Seattle.
One week in, my professor approaches me and says I need to be in the design program, not the marketing program. I think about it, take her advice, and go with it. Scariest moment of my life, switching from a BA in Science, to a BA in Art. Who the freck gets a job with an art degree anyhow?? Ugh. I bit the bullet, and I am SO happy I did. I am learning so much I can't even believe it.
But anyway, so I moved in with my sister, not too far from Seattle, worked for a couple months, then started school. A couple months in, I moved right smack dab in the city of Seattle, totally immersing myself in the culture. I effing love cities. I always will. I am from a small town, but I will never stop loving cities. Ever.
I stayed in Seattle for a few months, but then, I decided even THIS wasn't enough (like seriously, can I not just be content with where I am???). As stated in a previous post, I decided to make the jump to a new school in NYC. So for this to happen, I have to quit the school I am at right now for a few quarters (to save moola), so I am once again back with my big sister.
Phew!
Lots of moving around.
But I am happy. I am happy because I am doing what I want to do, and how I want to do it. I am challenged in so many ways, every single day. I forget sometimes what it took to get here. It may not seem like a lot, but I did everything on my own. Hellooo Adulthood.
It still all feels like some kind of beginning to me, though. New York is where all the magic happens, and everything before it is just a stepping stone.
There is so much to do in the few months before I go, but trust me when I tell you, it is so much easier when you are happy. I may stress sometimes about school, or cry about leaving, or throw paint brushes across the room because I can't paint a stupid tree for Colour Theory the "right way", but at the end of the day, I can say I am more than content with where I'm at.
I challenge every one of you to take a step in the happiest direction. I think sometimes we lose sight of what it is we really want. We begin to be okay with being mediocre, because if it ain't bad, why fix it?
I challenge you, today, to think about what it is you want. Do you want money? Do you want relationships? Do you want an education? Do you want a freggen dog? There isn't a wrong answer.
Let me say that again...
There is no wrong answer.
You choose your happiness.
Don't let anyone else choose it for you, or else it won't be yours. Ever.
You will go your whole life chasing others' desires.
Do what you want,
how you want to,
and for whatever reason you want.
Always.
Everything good will fall into place, but only if you make room for it.
